Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
