I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
