Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
