There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Randomize
