Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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