I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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