when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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