well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
