I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
