Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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