She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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