I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
