who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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