Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
