dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
