I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I lost the right to judge tonight
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
