im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
