I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
