i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
