I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
