We're facebook friends in real life
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
