you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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