Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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