Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
