My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
