I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
