the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I believe in your delicious
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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