thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
