peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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