She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This is the high leading the old right now
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
