dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize