i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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