my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
