Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
