it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
