Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
