I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
