My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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