haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
