Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
