just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
