threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
