I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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