when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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