Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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