Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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