If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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