I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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