just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
