I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
