Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
