Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
