Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
